Facebook will be the death of me...

I used to be against facebook, after the whole myspace debacle I couldn’t be fucked creating a facebook account, I thought why bother? I can’t use Myspace, I don’t need another useless thing to check up on... But I had a mate returning to London, and he knew I wasn’t big on emails, so he convinced me to join... I will give him this, it is easier to use then myspace. But i have come to the realisation that facebook... WILL BE... the DEATH of Me!!!

At first it was like wow cool, a new toy, easy to use and you can find your friends and can have a giggle. The of course people from your high school and primary school start tracking you down... this is a side bar, but wtf?? I had to get out the year book to actually see if these assholes were in my school and not just wannabe stalkers? They were however real people that did attend the same learning institution as me. This is where the line gets funny, I mean do I add them out of niceness? Do I ignore them? No one told me there was going to be these kinds of pressures! I give in usually and add them, ya just never know, plus on the worst days (usually Mondays after a big weekend) I take great delight in looking at their “friends” that I used to have crushes on in high school, there all married, balding and fat... I mean were only 26!!! So being a fag might make me a minority but at least it means at my 10 year reunion next year, I’ll be in a whole different ball game to them.

However I digress, I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is the equivalent to Alice’s (from the L Word TV series) chart. Not only do friends add you, but so to do the fuck buddies, the friend’s with benefits, the friend that don’t give you regular benefits but have slipped up with in the past etc. And since the main point of facebook is to join people together it’s very VERY disturbing to find you and a mate who has at one time shared a fuck buddy. I mean the breeders in the world have saying “You don’t cut your mates grass”, I agree wholly with this!! I don’t want to know where my friends have placed there body parts, I also really really don’t want to think I may have placed then in the same place!

I have had it for a few years now, and while I admit my youth was a bit shady, these days I think of myself as a decent person, this blog was suppose to be about the laughs of our past not the normal day to day dirge that most people write. However, facebook on its own has becomes the biggest green bag of MY secrets all by itself!

How do you talk your way around that MANY secrets to a potential lover... Facebook will be the death of me!!!

Kissing boys - who like kissing other boys

Ok so I couldn't wait and had to share a secret from last weekend - it was too hot to let it sit in the pile untold.

I seem to have a special knack for attracting boys - who like other boys.Maybe its my ample cleavage or perhaps the fact I have a girly exterior andthe mind of a gay man. Not much is off limits and I am always open to suggestions.

The night begins like any other trashy night on Oxford St - with my companion- fake tanned, taught and terrific in a bar full of boys who have pupils the size of dinner plates and so many secrets they wouldn't know which end was up. Minding my own business and everybody else's I spot a boy who can only be described as a perfect specimen and a gift from god. Dark olive skin - ripe round muscles - and that look about him like he could just slam you through the wall.

After furiously nudging my fellow green bagger (who spotted this beauty long before I did) we decide I am shit out of luck as I am not a boy. None the less - I decide to approach my beauty and tell him I think he is delicious. He seems flattered by my gesture-somewhat confused. My job done I turn to walk off - he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards him. He clutches my waist, pins me against the wall and parts my lips with his - I decide to just run with it - I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. We kiss - every boy in the room is jealous yet somehow happy - dirty dirty boys getting off on watching. I am a little dizzy and weak at the knees- he tells me girls dont interesthim but after that - maybe he will change his mind. I am satisfied - my ego is boosted - another small secret for the green bag.

I can highly recommend him - in fact - so can my fellow blogger now.

“Dirty Secrets"

You all have THOSE friends, you know the ones you love to death, but sometimes love to imagine actually dead! They get drunk, they get messy, and then as their head is bobbing you disappear before you get caught up to clean the mess? And don’t say you haven’t done it, coz we all have. My blog mate and I are just more open about it.

Our story begins on my fellow Blog authors Birthday which subsequently happened to fall on a long weekend. We had decided after a few days of being good and doing the family and friend thing we would end the weekend in a typical trashy night. Where would one go for such a night you may ask? Oxford st of course.

Arq was on the agenda. But first we had to kill some time. We met out the front of the Columbian, She is looking svelte, dressed in a black dress, which showed enough cleavage to make the gay boys turn heads, dark kohl eyes and wild bed hair. We drink, we mingle, we have fun. We leave for the next bar, and who do we see, an old friend... Unfortunately the long weekend hasn’t been as good to him as it has to us. On closer inspection (from 2 blocks away) we can see he is.... in a word... MUNTED... Eyes rolled back in his head, he must be using x-ray to see through his skull, shirts and shorts dirty and dishevelled and worst of all his back is arched like he has either thrown it out, tried to do a back flip and got stuck half way, or we need to call an exorcist real quick coz Emily Rose aint got nothing on this bitch... I stop and point ahead. I’m confused, he IS out friend BUT....

Do we risk saying hi to him, and chance getting stuck as babysitter for the night? Or do we pretend we didn’t see him... decisions...

Then our decision is made for us, still in his weird back position with his eyes rolled up in his head, he turns and pulls a complete stranger out of a cab and tries to kiss him... Yup, decision made, fuck it. Exorcism it is...not even her sky high stilettos can stop us from bolting in the other direction!!

Halloween - Ladies of the evening come out to play

Halloween is just an excuse for kids to eat crap and girls to dress like trollops. Although I have nowhere to be and nobody to do on this evening, I thought I just might channel my inner trollop and cover each and every limb with an inch of fake tan and Oh my don't I look like pumpkin right for the picking. Strangely, I seem to have acquired a new svelte figure - or maybe its just like a car accident - you can't pull your eyes away; you try to take in every detail but there is too much so you only skim over the essentials. Whatever it is - I'll be keeping it for the weekend.

I have collected many secrets over the years - enough to fill a tonne of industrial size green bags- these secrets are both mine and that of others I have kept in my little green vault that will now be handed down to you.

Disclaimer: These secrets are not for the faint hearted - they contain sex - sometimes drugs - and a lot of rock n roll. You may find yourself in these secrets - believe me (and I speak for my fellow green bag keeper and blogger) you will never be disappointed - and rest assured we will never use names.

Sit tight - and get ready for the secrets to start flowing.

Cracked out smurfs?

So there i was today, in the city with time to kill, and being me, whats the first place to go to waste time? JB HiFi... my holy place :o)

Browsing the latest releases i made my way to anime section (because im still a geek to the core) and thought i would check out the new stuff there. Imagine my suprise when i picked up a DVD with the title Aachi andSsipak with what looks like cracked out surfs on the cover. After reading the synopsis I actually burst out laughing causing many of my other nerdy brethren to turn and stare. I was to busy grinning like a fuck stick to actually buy the movie, but I reckon tmw I'll have to go back and get it. for your reading pleasure I have posted the synopsis below:

"Synopsis:

In the Future, the only energy source is human excrement. Citizens are micro chipped in their anus and rewarded for defecation with addictive “juicybars”.

In Shit City, two small time hoods team up with a porn actress and become major juicybar traffickers. Hunted by the notorious diaper gang and with a superhuman government agent out to stop them all, Aachi & Ssipak may have bitten off more juicybars than they can chew.

Welcome to the insane world of Aachi & Ssipak."

You're not in Kansas anymore Toto ;o)

Welcome to our blog... Yes I say WE as this is a shared blog between two very, very, very, close friends who collect way to many debutourious stories, and after much thought have decided to share them with all you wicked and wonderful people from Oz....

Unlike Gretchen Wieners we have way to many secrets to store in our hair, so we now use those green coles bags which the homless love to carry their lives around in.

Enjoy...